A heavier heart.

Disclaimer: This post is pretty deep/personal/depressing. Please do not read if you don't wish to read anything deep/personal/depressing. This was written over a week ago.

I use this blog for many reasons. I use it as an online journal, to complain, to boast about what the kids are doing- it is a timeline of my life and by looking at the archive in the right column I can easily glance and remember when I bought my first house, when the kids got their first yellow belts in karate, when I got my new job, when baby bird was born - I want to remember all of these moments, and I guess all of them will not be happy or good. This is one of those posts. I guess usually I may not get this personal but I really feel the need to put this in writing for myself and my journey. I may or may not post this, but I need to get it out.

Tonight I found out that my uncle is coming to Thanksgiving. My uncle that committed a horrible crime and went to prison.The one I haven't seen for what has to be almost a decade. If it has not been that long, it certainly feels like it has been. My uncle wasn't just an uncle. He is my godfather, and we share the same birthday. He was my favorite uncle and we were very close and had so much fun together. I looked up to him and loved him like he was my 2nd father. When I found out about what he had done I was shocked. I couldn't believe that he would ever do anything like that. I felt betrayed. I know his family felt the same. Although so many years have passed I feel overwhelmed and extremely hurt. Maybe because I am tired and sleep deprived. Maybe because I have been so upset about my aunt. Maybe because I will have to face him and I'm not ready. Maybe because I will have to tell his daughter and I am not ready. Maybe because I have to tell my daughter and son and I am not ready.

I pulled Zoe and Jaxson aside and told them about my uncle and what he had done. I am always telling them and reminding them about bad touch and how they should never let anyone touch them, then you run and tell an adult. They know this, they learn it in school, and I have told them. I told them it was a crime and that he went to jail. That he touched little girls.  I didn't think it was right to not tell them if they were possibly going to be in the same house for Thanksgiving. They were mature and thoughtful. They knew I was upset and snuggled close. Zoe held my hand.

With everything going on right now I feel so unprepared to handle this. Can he be around Zoe? Can I be around him? When you are a mother you do everything you can to protect your kids. You never want anything to happen to them that would hurt them, especially when it has happened to you when you were a child.

My mind is flooded. What do I do? Why did I have that stupid conversation with Andrew at Rite-Aid earlier? Is there enough candy for Trunk or Treat tomorrow? How puffy will my eyes be because I have been crying? Why are Taco Bell Cantina Burritos so good?

I am grateful for my family. My sisters talked me through a lot of this tonight and I am so grateful that they were there for me. I'm grateful for all the support that I have. I pray for strength.